I want that one! God & Envy

Many thanks to Phil Sayer for supplying the voice-over.

Once upon a time there was a boy called Rob, and his job was to write a blog every month for people to read and enjoy. He quite liked writing his blog as it gave him the opportunity to talk crap for a few minutes in a way that that sounded important and wise. He also got to wear his favourite jumper.

One evening he was sitting in his study writing his blog, it wasn’t going well. It was a hard topic to write about. “What do I know about envy?” he thought as he sulked and sipped his coffee, “The only thing I’m envious of is people who don’t have to write a blog about envy.” As he sat and thought and stared at his computer screen he could hear the television downstairs, “I wish I had time to watch telly.” He thought to himself as he heard Helen’s loud raucous laughter bouncing off the walls. “It’s not fair. If I had a laptop like Helen’s I could sit downstairs and watch telly while I wrote my blog. I want a laptop.”

Just then he heard the unmistakable sound of Helen opening a bottle of wine, “That does it!” thought Rob, “Why should I sit up here working hard while she enjoys herself.” He stomped down the stairs and asked Helen what time tea would be ready in a very demanding tone of voice. “If I can’t watch telly I don’t see why she should,” he thought to himself.

As Helen trudged through to the kitchen to start making tea there was a sour note in the air between them, but Rob didn’t notice, as he was too busy being smug. He went back upstairs, but instead of getting on with writing his blog, he looked on EBay for a laptop for himself.

 The next day was a sunny day, so Rob decided to go out on his bike instead of writing his blog. He hadn’t got very far at all before one of his wheels fell off. Rob said a word that would have been “Drat!” if anyone had been listening, but they weren’t so it wasn’t. Then he turned back to push his bike home. On his way he was passed by a man on a brand new shiny bicycle. “Look at that bike. That looks so much fun to ride,” thought Rob. He imagined himself on the bike riding up and down hills with ease, locking it outside the computer shop while he went inside to pick up his new laptop, riding over Helen’s foot when she was enjoying herself too much. Then he imagined himself running up to the man - who was far too far away by now - and pushing him over and stealing the bike. Rob was in a real sulk now, everything he had was rubbish, and everything everyone else had was great. And he still had his stupid blog to write while everyone else played out in the sun.

When he got in the house Helen was busy cleaning the oven, “What’s wrong with you?” she asked as he was obviously unhappy. “It’s not fair,” he said, “everyone else gets to go play out in the sun except me and I have to write my stupid blog on a stupid computer up the stupid stairs.”

“Errm… Everyone gets to play out? What do you think I’m doing? I’m cleaning the oven. Do you think I do this for fun?” said Helen.

“Well that’s your own fault.” Said Rob petulantly, “You shouldn’t have got it dirty cooking tea last night should you.”

The sour note returned, and this time it brought it’s older brother with it.

Rob still couldn’t face sitting upstairs writing his blog, so he went out for a walk. As he went down his street he saw the man on his bike coming the opposite way. “Now’s my opportunity,” thought Rob and he ran up to the man as he cycled past and he shoved him as hard as possible, grabbed the bike and sped off as quickly as he could. He rode it around for a while until he got tired and then he went home. The bike was fun, but so was his old one. He went into the house and saw Helen. She looked like she was in a bad mood, so Rob went upstairs to stay out of the way. He sat in front of his computer and looked busy, so she wouldn’t shout at him if she came upstairs.

Rob fell asleep. Rob had a dream.

 

In his dream he was playing on a brand new shiny laptop. He went on facebook, he went on MySpace and he went on EBay. Then Rob went on MSN and started a conversation with someone who called himself ‘Elohim’. He told Elohim about how he was struggling to write his blog and all that had transpired because of it. Elohim said that he was puzzled (presuming he was a he!) because although Rob seemed pleased about his new acquisitions he should think about their true cost. This confused Rob and he asked Elohim what he meant. “Well,” typed Elohim. “apart from the obvious theft of the bicycle and the possible repercussions from that, how did you buy this computer you’re dreaming you’re typing on? Credit card? So you couldn’t afford it and now you’ll have to stretch your finances paying it off. You’ve damaged your relationship with Helen with your bad moods and all the time you’ve wasted online looking for new computers and bikes mean you’re still no closer to finishing your blog and it’s Café Sundae tomorrow.”

 

Rob woke with a start. “Oh ****! My blog!”

 

 

And that’s why I haven’t written a blog this month.