Originally published February 2008
A few months ago I was watching telly and the results of a psychology experiment were being reported. In the experiment they'd set up a ring-toss game with 3 pegs one behind the other quite a distance apart and allotted different scores for each of the areas, the area around the closest one scoring 10 points and the small area around the one furthest away worth 100. The psychologists discovered that the people who aimed for the furthest ring were largely by profession entrepreneurs. They were the people who were willing to go for a big score despite the bigger risk of missing whilst other people played it safe by aiming for the closer targets.
Helen and I have been married for 71/2 years. We got married at the end of the summer that Helen finished university, which was 8 months after I finished my college course. We lived together for the 3 months between Helen finishing uni in Nottingham and our wedding and also the summer before that; so we didn't really co-habit as such, but we probably would have done if it hadn't been for that pesky university Helen insisted on attending. Planning a wedding is often quoted as being one of the most stressful things you can go through, and there was certainly a lot of different elements to juggle in trying to make the day something you want whilst satisfying various different family groups, trying to make sure you don't offend someone by leaving something or someone out can take major acts of diplomacy. We had our difficulties, but managed to negotiate them successfully enough to still want to get married. And so the day came. I won't bore you with the details of what we did & who came, I'll just say that all the hard work paid off. I won't say that it was the happiest day of my life because that's a horrible cliché, but we both still rank it high in the top 2.
I was thinking things over whilst preparing for writing this blog, and I was thinking, "Why get married? Why not just live together?" and then I remembered the big pile of presents that was waiting for us when we got back from honeymoon! Neither of us was well off when we got married and – as every couple has to – we struggled to afford to set up a home as we wanted it to be. We were renting a cold damp house in a very rough area of Salford as it was all we could afford and gifts we were given went a long way towards kitting us out as we wanted rather than simply with what we could afford. But it was more than that. The gifts we were given were given to us along with people's love and support. On the day itself I was overwhelmed by people's good wishes. At the end of the day my hand and my face were aching with smiling and shaking hands with people wishing us all the best for the future, and here was the material proof that they meant it. Knowing that all these people were looking out for Helen & me and that they care what happens to us was fantastic, worth much more than the value of all that they'd bought us, and something that those people who choose to co-habit surely miss out on.
But that's not enough reason, so why get married? Well why not? If you're in a relationship that you both consider to be permanent rather than just long term, why shouldn't you declare publicly that that's what you intend? If you're going to stick together until one of you dies, why not make it official? It's difficult to think that far ahead – I remember when I was considering marrying Helen and I tried to imagine us in our 80s sitting round the fire in rocking chairs, Helen knitting and me whittling sticks but I couldn't do it. It's too far off in the future. When we made our vows we were saying that this is what we aim for (I still have 45 years to learn to whittle). It's a promise to each other, our families & friends and – if we get married in Church – to God that we will do everything we can to make the relationship work. It is a risky thing to do; things do happen and people do change. Marriages do fail, sometimes for trivial reasons, but very often for very valid and difficult reasons, but if you don't risk you don't win. There is a trend in the world of celebrity to sign pre-nuptial agreements. This can be seen as a sensible arrangement when big money is involved, but I can't help thinking it taints the wedding with the idea that it may not work out. If that get-out clause were removed maybe their marriages would be more successful.
Anyway, back to the ring toss experiment I began with and then abandoned. I was trying to think of a way of illustrating the answer to the question 'why get married?' and I think that experiment does it well. The two ways to play the game are to play it safe by aiming at the closest peg and scoring quite low, or aiming at the furthest ring and trying to score higher: it's a riskier strategy but if it works out it pays a bigger reward. And I think that's marriage. It is a bigger risk and it is hard work but if you succeed you win big time.
And here's the million dollar question: if I had my time again, would I get married?
Answer: Yes absolutely I would, just not to Helen.
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